whisper words of wisdom..

i may have had an epiphany last night. i came to realize that i have so much work to do to become the person i want to be. then i began to wonder if we ever really do become the people we want to be, or if we just change the way we think about ourselves. which comes first - the chicken or the egg?

i often times wonder why i am who i am and why i do the things i do (or don't do). i tend to wander off to that part in my brain where memories lay to find the answers and sometimes, almost frighteningly, i find them. the problem i have is figuring out what i can do to reverse the effects of the past. what can i possibly do to change the ways of my childhood? the epiphany i had last night was simply this: i can't.

but it's not that easy. my way of thinking has always been: "if there's a problem, fix it", but the problem here is me and i'm no easy fix. the funny thing is i used to find problems in others until i came to realize that it was me all along. so, what do i do now?

first of all, i know it's going to have to start with changing the way i think, but most importantly, the way i think about myself. i don't know why but this is a real challenge for me, probably because i don't have the patience, not even for myself. the margin for failure is so large and i can't stand the thought of being defeated, or disappointed (my other flaw). there are other traits that make this a real challenge for me, too, but what i really need, i think, is to be patient with myself. everything needs to start with myself in order for me to be that way with others.

i know that at the end of the day, i will never find happiness unless i find happiness in myself first. my fear is that it will never happen. sure, there are moments that i'm happy but i want a kind of happiness that sits in me all the time. i want to know that it's there, even if i can't feel it sometimes. is that possible? or is it like what Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love:

"....people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it."

i don't know, but hopefully i'll find out...

xx.