before i go..

[photo courtesy of fathunas]

my last name has always been a burden. i don't have the typical korean surname (e.g. Kim, Lee, Han, Choi, Chung, etc) so i grew up with people always asking me, "where did you get your last name? were you adopted? did your mom remarry?". i never had an answer because i never knew, and mostly because i never asked. i'm not sure why i never asked but it's possible that i didn't want to go there. i didn't want to venture off into that part of the past and watch my mom squirm with discomfort and risk her getting impatient and upset with me for being too curious. i'd often see her get upset and lie to my sisters in front of me when they would ask her why my last name was different from theirs (Lee). in essence, i developed a fear for the truth.

as i got older, my curiosity grew with me. sometimes i'd stay up wondering who my father was and i even went as far as questioning if my mom was actually my real mom. even still, i never asked her. instead, i grew distant from her because eventually that curiosity turned into resentment.

this all changed last december.

in december, a man who shared my last name contacted me via facebook. i logged in one morning and i had a message from him asking if my mom's name was _______ (sorry, i don't feel comfortable revealing her birth name). i sat there for a long time, staring at his message with a gazillion thoughts racing through my mind. i knew his name because it was on my birth certificate, but i knew he wasn't my biological father because he is black and i am full korean. nonetheless, he knew something about my past that i didn't and eventually, i responded. the next day, i had a message from him followed by a couple of messages from his daughter, sarah.

the first message was the story behind my last name, which answered the question that had haunted me all these years. he had met my mom while he was stationed in korea and married her. into their marriage, they had found out she was pregnant with another man's baby (me). committed to the marriage, he stayed with her and vowed to raise me as his own. i was born in a military hospital in korea and he signed my birth certificate. he held my naked body in his arms and called me his daughter.

a year or so later, he got called to new york, but due to issues with him not being my biological father, they had to leave me behind. another year passed and he somehow managed to work the system to get me here. he flew to korea, got me, and brought me back to the states.

needless to say, their marriage wasn't successful and my mom ended up leaving him. she took me and we went back to korea, leaving him and their daughter, sarah, in new york. apparently my mom had wanted to take sarah too but sarah's dad wouldn't have it - claiming that with her being half black, she stood no chance at a good life in korea.

this meant i had a sister! and according to her facebook messages that followed, she had been looking for me and my mom for years. when she graduated high school, she enlisted in the army and was stationed in korea. she spent those years looking for us there. whereas i only knew of her father, she knew about me and my mom. words couldn't describe how i felt at that moment. i was at work but my mind, my heart, my soul was in a different place entirely.

this was right before christmas. sarah said, "finding you was the best christmas gift i could have ever asked for."

now i am going to meet her for the first time. i can't wait. this couldn't have happened at a better time because i am at a place in my life where i am still discovering who i am and meeting her will be another piece to the the unsolved puzzle that is my life.

please keep our story in your hearts and prayers because this is really a blessing to be thankful for.