being an adult.

Can you believe that face turned 28 yesterday? Where have the years gone? In her book Bossypants, Tina Fey wrote in her introduction that she was still writing, "Tina Fey, grade 4, room 207" on all her checks. I laughed because I can relate. I wonder if we will ever truly grasp the essence of time.

During one of my reflective moods earlier, I realized that although 28 seems pretty meaningless in the milestone sense, I feel like my adulthood finally came this past year. I know I always complain about how "old" I'm getting, but I never really felt like an adult with adult responsibilities until recently. I don't know what triggered this epiphany, but I suppose it could include various events that have occurred: me getting laid off, finally putting community college days behind me, taking on more domestic responsibilities and developing a routine that I can only compare to my "very adult" parents. I don't know.

The only thing that I do know is that I worked really hard on myself last year. I bought a gym membership last March and have been going to the gym almost every day since. I have lost 30 pounds. I have a newfound appreciation of living an overall healthy lifestyle. I took advantage of getting laid off by investing that time back into myself by finishing up my last classes so I can finally transfer (by the way, did I tell you that I was accepted to CSUF? Still waiting to hear from UCI!). I began cooking more. I began to practice more positive thoughts and patience, which has softened my heart and soul more than you could ever know. 

Maybe it was the time I spent getting to know myself that has led me to finally embrace being an adult. Whatever it is, I'm glad that I am able to grow every year - still. Even though I think resolutions are silly, I think it is important to try and change ourselves for the better, no matter how big or small (um, like one of my goals was to "put my brush back in the basket after I brush my hair" to avoid the clutter that accumulates on my bathroom counter. but do you know how much this small goal has helped me with clutter overall?? tremendously.) I think that changes in the smallest things can have a great effect... like creating an adult.

motivation.

Today a lady came up to me during one of my gym classes and paid me a very nice compliment. She said that she had seen me at the gym for a while now and was impressed by my discipline and hard work. She also said that  it was inspiring to see just how much weight I've lost and that when she feels like not working out, she thinks of me and pushes herself to exercise.

I was so humbled by her words and she even laughed when she saw how caught off guard I was. She said, "It's nice to know that a stranger appreciates and recognizes all the hard work you've been doing, huh?"

Yes, it is.

will i am.

This past semester was officially the most difficult yet. Not only did I have to meet transfer deadlines, but I also came across one of the toughest teachers (don't believe me? Check out his rating: ratemyprofessors) in one of my most challenging courses: writing. Many of my friends find it surprising when I tell them how difficult writing is for me, but clearly there is a difference between writing in a journal and writing for academia. Friends - this may sound silly, but do you have any idea how sad I was to know that my straight A streak would be over? After receiving B's on my first two papers, my heart sunk. I felt very defeated. But still, I took every advantage I could to seek help from my professor, the writing center, and that writer of a boyfriend of mine. I spent many days in hiding, working my eyes and fingers to the core to give everything I had in the 20 page paper that was the final. When I turned it in last week, a feeling of relief overcame me and as the days went on, I became more accepting of that inevitable "B". I kept telling myself, "You can't win 'em all."

Last night came the moment of truth when I received an e-mail telling me that my grade had been posted. I took a deep breath, sat at my computer, and logged in... cautiously clicking my way through the site to check my grade. I could hardly believe it. In fact, I think I blinked a few times. But yes, there it was... an A in Writing 2. I could feel a smile slowly starting to form on my face. Finally, a feeling of joy and excitement came over me as I ran into z's arms. I looked up at his confused expression and couldn't help but smile bigger. I told him the good news. He smiled back, congratulated me, telling me he had faith the whole time. 

My streak continues on. It is an accomplishment that I am so proud of because it's a testament of my will. In one of my personal statements to the university, I talked about this (by the way, the UC rep who read a draft of my personal statements was so impressed that she asked if she could make copies of it as examples!). About my will power and how it has grown stronger since that day I quit smoking cigarettes. Since then, I have gone back to school and despite my past of  habitually dropping out, I've continued going while maintaining a 4.0 GPA. For the past 9 months, I have gone to the gym everyday (with a few exceptions) to better my health and managed to lose 25-30 pounds in the process. All the while, I am continuing to learn more about who I am and what I am capable of. Yes, it can get very frustrating along the way and there are times when I feel like taking the easier route, but reality hits me and I know that life has no shortcuts. I have come a long way and still have a ways to go... but 2011 has been a good year. If things work out accordingly [more on that later], I am hoping to have an even better new year. Please cross your fingers for me. 

4.0

the crazy thing is i had no motivation going into the final for this class. i received a "C" on the midterm and realized halfway through the summer session that i didn't even need the class to begin with. by then, it was already too late to drop out without getting the dreaded "W" on my transcript. i was pretty upset with myself for wasting such precious time, but whatever. i aced it and i now see it as another testimony of things happening for a reason. it's this kind of faith that i'll need for the upcoming year because believe or not folks, the time has come. i'll be applying for universities in November and this will officially be my last school year on a community campus. hallelujah.

hello again.

physical anthropology, what a snooze fest. i had no idea how much this class delved into evolution and the study of primates. one of the extra credit opportunities involves going to the san diego zoo and observing a single species of primates for 3 hours. huh? originally i planned on not going, but i might have to reconsider. the class requires so much work in such short time that i might need to make up some extra points. but what can i possibly observe in 3 hours that i can't in 30 minutes? he pooped. he threw poop. she ran. they mated. they slept. they awoke. they swung from trees. they ate. they sat. they...

what threw me off, also, was the fact that my professor is a midget with an obvious inferiority complex that he likes to hide behind his dry and tasteless sense of humor. it's quite intriguing to observe him during his instruction and note the little things he says and does to the students. in the end, it really boils down to is what he truly thinks of himself and how he projects his sense of self onto others. he likes the authority he has over the classroom, but secretly yearns for acceptance and to be liked by us. he's asked us, at least 3 times, if we've looked up him up on ratemyprofessor.com and has followed up the question with, "don't always believe what you hear." i took the liberty of looking him up out of curiosity (and because he kept asking) and interestingly enough, his ratings aren't so bad. maybe it's because deep down, he really is a softie who, like any other man, wants to be cradled like a baby and be reassured that everything will be all right. it's just a matter of getting there and it seems to me that those who spent the time to rate him managed to dig up his sensitive side.

i know it sounds like i hate the guy, but i don't. what i find interesting is his insecurities and how he allows it to interfere with who he is and how he treats others. i see this in myself as well, which is why i find it gripping. i see what he does and can't help but ask myself if i do the same... and i do, to an extent. i just don't want to be my professor's age and treat people like they're worthless just because that's how i think of myself. i'm hoping that by that wise old age, i'll have found the worth in myself. it's so difficult to find the buried treasure if you've spent a lot of your earlier years believing that it didn't exist. it may take a lifetime to find, but i'm searching... and i have to hold on to the hope that my professor, and others like him, will keep searching too.

xoxo.

--

p.s. look what i found. a picture of a primate taken at the san diego zoo when z and i went a few years back for our anniversary. do you think i can pass this on as proof for my extra credit assignment?

p.p.s. would ya look at that tail?!

done.

Spring semester has ended, which means i now have another year of school under my belt. it also means i will have more free time on my hands. it struck me on the way home from taking my final last night that i will have no real responsibilities for a few weeks. it's quite the opposite of what i'm used to and to be honest, i'm not sure how i feel about it.

the good news is that i'll be able to transfer sooner than i planned and i have time to thank for that. i have made a decision to really put all my focus and effort into school. it's something i've been wishing i could do for a quite sometime now. for those who frequent this blog, you know that i've been struggling with the patience it's taken to finish and now i have the opportunity to do so. summer school is only a few weeks away but if everything goes accordingly, i should be able to apply to schools in the Fall. i'm pretty excited about that.

it's true that things happen for a reason. i can't say it enough - i am so, so thankful for this transition. it has really put things into perspective and has made me reset my priorities to how they should be. it just feels so right.

hope you all are given the opportunity to do what's right for you, however big or small.

xoxo.

three little birds.

Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

--

thought i'd dedicate today's lyric post to bob marley since it was his birthday yesterday and also because his words are so encouraging.

the world is a better place because of your music, message, and life. we miss you.

whisper words of wisdom..

i may have had an epiphany last night. i came to realize that i have so much work to do to become the person i want to be. then i began to wonder if we ever really do become the people we want to be, or if we just change the way we think about ourselves. which comes first - the chicken or the egg?

i often times wonder why i am who i am and why i do the things i do (or don't do). i tend to wander off to that part in my brain where memories lay to find the answers and sometimes, almost frighteningly, i find them. the problem i have is figuring out what i can do to reverse the effects of the past. what can i possibly do to change the ways of my childhood? the epiphany i had last night was simply this: i can't.

but it's not that easy. my way of thinking has always been: "if there's a problem, fix it", but the problem here is me and i'm no easy fix. the funny thing is i used to find problems in others until i came to realize that it was me all along. so, what do i do now?

first of all, i know it's going to have to start with changing the way i think, but most importantly, the way i think about myself. i don't know why but this is a real challenge for me, probably because i don't have the patience, not even for myself. the margin for failure is so large and i can't stand the thought of being defeated, or disappointed (my other flaw). there are other traits that make this a real challenge for me, too, but what i really need, i think, is to be patient with myself. everything needs to start with myself in order for me to be that way with others.

i know that at the end of the day, i will never find happiness unless i find happiness in myself first. my fear is that it will never happen. sure, there are moments that i'm happy but i want a kind of happiness that sits in me all the time. i want to know that it's there, even if i can't feel it sometimes. is that possible? or is it like what Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love:

"....people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it."

i don't know, but hopefully i'll find out...

xx.

seeking quietude..

i really struggled with my new years resolution this past weekend. i left work half an hour early on friday and was caught by my boss. i won't get into the details of how i was caught, but it really did put a damper on my weekend. i kept playing monday's confrontation in my head. it didn't help that z was out of town on business so i was left alone with my dreadful thoughts. there were times when i was able to push it out of my head, but it managed to creep through the crevices.

z gave me some great advice before he left: "just come to terms with it in your head and let it go." i tried and tried real hard to do this and even felt i was successful at certain points. for instance, i didn't lose sleep over it, which is a great feat because the minutes before bedtime is usually when my thoughts begin to overwhelm me. but there were moments when i caught myself picturing the disappointment on my boss's face, or even worst - getting fired. it was so stressful that i broke out. the feeling reminded me of when i used to get caught doing something wrong by my mom.

mind over matter. what a concept. the mind has so much power over the body that if it isn't controlled properly, it can do a lot of damage. i grew so frustrated with myself and my thoughts only to realize that i was fueling the fire. i kept myself busy by running errands, going to the gym, and trying out new recipes, and while it provided a temporary escape, i still had to face myself at the end of the day.

i'm finding that i need to really find that quiet corner in my head that i can go to when needed. have any of you tried meditation? i'm thinking of trying it because i need to dig deep. i mean real deep - in my head, my heart, my soul, myself. to be honest, it's something i should have done a long time ago.

xo.

walking for a cause.

happy friday, guys.

just wanted you all to know that we'll be walking for Multiple Sclerosis in Irvine tomorrow. a friend of ours is suffering from this disease and unfortunately there is no cure for it. for those who aren't aware of what it is, here is a little something from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov:

"MS is caused by damage to the myelin sheath, the protective covering that surrounds nerve cells. When this nerve covering is damaged, nerve impulses are slowed down or stopped.

The nerve damage is caused by inflammation. Inflammation occurs when the body's own immune cells attack the nervous system. Repeated episodes of inflammation can occur along any area of the brain, optic nerve, and spinal cord."

it breaks my heart knowing what she is going through, but she makes it easier by being brave and positive. it's people like her who truly humble me and make me appreciate life. it might be too late to sponsor us, but you can always make a donation by visiting the National MS Society (our team name is "I'm still standing" if you want to contribute a gift on her behalf). also, this walk is only one of many (she's actually going to be doing the walk in Carlsbad on May 1st) so feel free to register!

also in the loop for this weekend is a friend's surprise birthday tomorrow night and a possible hiking trip on sunday. in other words, it's going to be a busy one but i'm looking forward to it.

wishing you all one just as great!

xxxx.

even closer.

closer to my dreams
coming over me
i'm getting higher
closer to my dreams
i'm getting higher and higher

feel it in my sleep
sometimes it feels like i'll never go pass here
sometimes it feels like i'm stuck forever and ever
when i'm going higher.

closer to my dreams
i'm going higher and higher
i ain't gonna sleep
sometimes you just have to let it go
(let it go, let it go)
leaving all my fears to burn down
push them all away so i can move on.

closer to my dreams,
feel it all over my being.
close your eyes and see what you believe.

i'm moving higher, oh
(higher)
I'm going higher and higher and higher
(higher and higher)
closer to my dreams
(higher and higher, oh oh)
i'm moving upward and onward and beyond all i can see
(stretching out my arms, so i can breathe)

feels so close it's like i can just reach
i can feel my dreams
(closer to my dreams)
i'm moving closer to my dreams.

sometimes it feels like you're never gonna change
but you never choose to walk away.

-goapele

--

this song hits so close to home for me. i'm getting higher.. and higher.. closer to my dreams.

phenomenal woman.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

-angelou

for this rainy spring morning.

One innocent spring
your voice meant to me
less than tires turning
on a distant street.

Your name, perhaps spoken,
led no chorus of
batons
unrehearsed
to crush against my empty chest.

That cool spring
was shortened by
your summer, bold, impatient
and all forgotten
except when silence
turns the key
into the midnight bedroom
and comes to sleep upon your
pillow.

-angelou

when you come.

When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.

Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,

I CRY.

-maya angelou

*reading poetry in the backseat of my car at lunch while it rains - one of my most cherished and sacred moments.

rest in power, big poppa.

it's always a tragedy when we lose hip hop greats. we've suffered through the deaths of pac and aaliyah and just last year we lost guru to cancer and Japanese artist, nujabes. it feels like such an injustice. our hearts and souls yearn for more of their presence, their music, their words, and their talent. the world will never know all that they could have contributed because they all died such untimely deaths at such young ages and that may be the hardest truth to swallow.

when big passed, time stopped. no one wanted to believe it and eventually the denial turned into anger and then turned into sadness. what was the world coming to? first pac, now this? it was unsettling. the full realization of big's death was heavy but with every loss, comes a gain and that gain came to us in the form of peace with the west coast and east coast beef ending.

it's such a pity that it took the death of two great rappers to bring peace to a rivalry so unwarranted in the first place. but isn't that how our world works? whatever the case, i would like to personally tip my hat to big, not only to mark the 14th year anniversary since his death, but to also celebrate the 25 years of the life he lived and the music he brought to us and the hip hop community. we celebrate his legacy because it lives on.

always rest in power, big poppa.

xoxox

blackbird.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly..
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

what more can i say about the beatles that hasn't already been said?

old soul.

we were assigned our discussion groups in my sociology class tuesday night. in my group is a 37 year old mother who, like me, has decided to go back to school. after introducing ourselves, she immediately turned to me with dread in her eyes and confessed that this was all too overwhelming for her and that she could not register any of the class material. i assured her that it was only the 2nd week and that she was overthinking it. she didn't seem too convinced. when the class was over, i put my hand on her back and said, "don't fret, ok? i'm here if you need help." she thanked me and asked my age. i told her. she said, "you've got an old soul, you know that?"

i'm guessing i knew because i felt my old soul smile at the recognition.

being my own bestfriend and my own worse enemy.

i believe the universe is working in my favor today. for this, i thank God.

in short, what potentially could have been my ass is now resolved with no harm, no foul. i feel so overcome with relief that i had to center myself, close my eyes, and say a quick prayer to my angels.

i also want to take a second to commend myself for remaining calm under such circumstances. usually i am in a state of panic and can't seem to stray from any and every negative thought imaginable; i allow it to consume me. i fret, have nightmares, and torture myself until all is said and done. i don't know why i do this, though i'm almost certain it may be a control issue, but surprisingly i managed to put those thoughts out of my head this time around. any time a negative thought would try to tip-toe it's way in, i would immediately shut the door and say, "we don't know what will happen so until then, stay away." and it worked!

i usually don't make resolutions because i am adamant about following through with my promises and i consider resolutions as personal promises to myself. with that said, i think i've found a resolution worth making and trying for my betterment. "trying" would be an understatement because i would seriously have to work on this. it would involve taking control of my mind, instead of allowing my mind to control me. it would simply mean that the door i had to keep shutting on my negative thoughts last night will eventually start to creek and it will be up to me to constantly keep up with its maintenance, repair it, and maybe even replace it if i have to because from now on, i want to let go of the things i can't control and just let it be. i will do what i can with the things i'm able to control and not stress myself out over the things i can't. i have to put my faith in the universe to run its course, even if it doesn't always work in my favor.

this brain training will be tough, i have no doubt... but it goes back to the whole "looking at the grand scheme of things". in the long run, i will be healthier and happier. isn't it funny that we have to train and to a certain extent, convince ourselves to be better to.... ourselves? and that in turn, how we treat ourselves ultimately reflects how we treat others? what an interesting cycle we live in.

i'm happy and somewhat nervous to go on this new venture with myself. it'll be interesting to test this out going into the weekend. are any of you following through with your resolutions? did you even make one?

xox

p.s. happy weekend!

p.p.s. i decided to read The Heart of a Woman by Maya Angelou. it's the 4th book of her series but i made the mistake of reading this sample before the others and of course, became hooked and bought it as soon as the sample ended.. love it so far.

kindling pt. 2

i finished reading Eat, Pray, Love and now i'm having trouble finding another book to read, although Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings six-volume series seems to be calling my name. have any of you read it?

before i move on to my next reading adventure, i wanted to share a few more amazing features about the kindle. the screen you see above with the portrait of the lovely Ms. Bronte is what the kindle looks like when it's off. everytime the kindle is switched off, a different literary image appears and remains until turned on again. i'm telling you, the liquid paper tricks the eyes!

secondly, i read Eat, Pray, Love in its entirety without ever having to recharge the battery. every night z would ask, "you still haven't charged that thing, huh?" - even he was amazed at the battery life.

lastly, it wasn't enough for z to just give me a kindle, he had to get me a cover / case for it too (that's the first picture you see). the leather case is so versatile and perfect - you would never guess it was a kindle because it looks like an organizer. it fits perfectly in my purse to take with me wherever i go in case i get bored, or decide to sneak away at lunch for a quick reading fix.

all in all, i am very impressed and happy with my kindle. i also liked Eat, Pray, Love a lot, i'm almost afraid to watch the movie because i can't imagine it being as powerful as the book.. but alas, isn't this almost always the case?

with that said, i wanted to share the final highlights of the book as promised. there were so many enchanting words written in it, but these quotes truly touched me. i hope it inspires those of you who haven't read it yet. i also hope that you guys are inspired to get the kindle if you can.

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. if you don’t, you will leak way your innate contentment."

"Famously, Gloria Steinem once advised women that they should strive to become like the men they had always wanted to marry." (something i definitely took to heart and will try to achieve, although striving to be someone so inspiring and amazing like z will be tough!)

"God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you standing right now." (sometimes, you just have to let go and give into your fate...)

i love it. oxo

kindling my love for words.

one cool feature of the kindle is being able to highlight your favorite parts or add notes. it's pretty nifty and saves me time from doing what i used to do (and will probably still do), which is write down my favorite lines in a little journal a friend gave me. i started doing this when i read something i never wanted to forget in a philosophy text and my first instinct was to write it down. since then, i've been writing all sorts of random and beautiful things in that little book. it isn't very handy, though, when you're in bed, feeling lazy, and almost falling asleep. i mean, who really wants to get out of bed just to scribble something down in a notebook then?

this is why the kindle is awesome because at a click of the button - you can note and save your favorite line.. and you can bet i've found some amazing highlights in Eat, Pray, Love. Here are a few of my favorites:

".... it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection."

"The resting place of the mind is the heart. The only thing the mind hears all day is clanging bells and noise and argument, and all it wants is quietude. The only place the mind will ever find peace is inside the silence of a heart." (by the way, i love the word 'quietude' and the context in which it is constantly presented in this book.)

"Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. Time - when pursued like a bandit - will behave like one; always remaining one county or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair color to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you're banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you."

the spirituality of the character can become overbearing at times but i find her overall journey so addicting.

more of my favorite highlights to come, 'til then .. xoxox!