being an adult.

Can you believe that face turned 28 yesterday? Where have the years gone? In her book Bossypants, Tina Fey wrote in her introduction that she was still writing, "Tina Fey, grade 4, room 207" on all her checks. I laughed because I can relate. I wonder if we will ever truly grasp the essence of time.

During one of my reflective moods earlier, I realized that although 28 seems pretty meaningless in the milestone sense, I feel like my adulthood finally came this past year. I know I always complain about how "old" I'm getting, but I never really felt like an adult with adult responsibilities until recently. I don't know what triggered this epiphany, but I suppose it could include various events that have occurred: me getting laid off, finally putting community college days behind me, taking on more domestic responsibilities and developing a routine that I can only compare to my "very adult" parents. I don't know.

The only thing that I do know is that I worked really hard on myself last year. I bought a gym membership last March and have been going to the gym almost every day since. I have lost 30 pounds. I have a newfound appreciation of living an overall healthy lifestyle. I took advantage of getting laid off by investing that time back into myself by finishing up my last classes so I can finally transfer (by the way, did I tell you that I was accepted to CSUF? Still waiting to hear from UCI!). I began cooking more. I began to practice more positive thoughts and patience, which has softened my heart and soul more than you could ever know. 

Maybe it was the time I spent getting to know myself that has led me to finally embrace being an adult. Whatever it is, I'm glad that I am able to grow every year - still. Even though I think resolutions are silly, I think it is important to try and change ourselves for the better, no matter how big or small (um, like one of my goals was to "put my brush back in the basket after I brush my hair" to avoid the clutter that accumulates on my bathroom counter. but do you know how much this small goal has helped me with clutter overall?? tremendously.) I think that changes in the smallest things can have a great effect... like creating an adult.

will i am.

This past semester was officially the most difficult yet. Not only did I have to meet transfer deadlines, but I also came across one of the toughest teachers (don't believe me? Check out his rating: ratemyprofessors) in one of my most challenging courses: writing. Many of my friends find it surprising when I tell them how difficult writing is for me, but clearly there is a difference between writing in a journal and writing for academia. Friends - this may sound silly, but do you have any idea how sad I was to know that my straight A streak would be over? After receiving B's on my first two papers, my heart sunk. I felt very defeated. But still, I took every advantage I could to seek help from my professor, the writing center, and that writer of a boyfriend of mine. I spent many days in hiding, working my eyes and fingers to the core to give everything I had in the 20 page paper that was the final. When I turned it in last week, a feeling of relief overcame me and as the days went on, I became more accepting of that inevitable "B". I kept telling myself, "You can't win 'em all."

Last night came the moment of truth when I received an e-mail telling me that my grade had been posted. I took a deep breath, sat at my computer, and logged in... cautiously clicking my way through the site to check my grade. I could hardly believe it. In fact, I think I blinked a few times. But yes, there it was... an A in Writing 2. I could feel a smile slowly starting to form on my face. Finally, a feeling of joy and excitement came over me as I ran into z's arms. I looked up at his confused expression and couldn't help but smile bigger. I told him the good news. He smiled back, congratulated me, telling me he had faith the whole time. 

My streak continues on. It is an accomplishment that I am so proud of because it's a testament of my will. In one of my personal statements to the university, I talked about this (by the way, the UC rep who read a draft of my personal statements was so impressed that she asked if she could make copies of it as examples!). About my will power and how it has grown stronger since that day I quit smoking cigarettes. Since then, I have gone back to school and despite my past of  habitually dropping out, I've continued going while maintaining a 4.0 GPA. For the past 9 months, I have gone to the gym everyday (with a few exceptions) to better my health and managed to lose 25-30 pounds in the process. All the while, I am continuing to learn more about who I am and what I am capable of. Yes, it can get very frustrating along the way and there are times when I feel like taking the easier route, but reality hits me and I know that life has no shortcuts. I have come a long way and still have a ways to go... but 2011 has been a good year. If things work out accordingly [more on that later], I am hoping to have an even better new year. Please cross your fingers for me. 

aging philosophies.

a few evenings ago, z and i talked about aging. i scoffed and said getting old sucked, while he said, "i don't know. i feel like as i'm getting older, i'm becoming a better person.. so in that regard, i don't mind getting old."

that's when i took a step back and took a quick glimpse of my life and realized that i, too, am becoming a better person as i get older. i don't know why it took me until that moment to realize and appreciate the type of person i've become over the years: a step closer to the person i was meant to be. and so, yes, in that regard, i guess i don't mind getting old after all (leave it up to z to offer some perspective).

ox.

an answer.

a longtime friend of ours is getting married this saturday and you may recall from a few posts back that we have another wedding to attend in october. it seems like everywhere around me, people are getting married and having kids - a definite sign that we've reached that age of starting families and opening new chapters.

lately i've been asked by friends and family when z and i will be tying the knot and starting a family of our own. every conversation i have with my mom always ends up with her asking me when she can expect a grandchild (she doesn't even ask about marriage anymore) and i always reassure her that she has 2 other daughters who will bear her grandchildren in due time. of course she doesn't count my sisters because they're way too young to even start having relationships, but i don't know what else to tell her. she had me at the young age of 18 and now that i'm approaching 28, she feels as though i'm "running out of time." it's not just her, either, because society tells us so all the time. they say that having a baby after the age of 30 will increase the health risks of both the mom and the baby and that it becomes more challenging to bear children after the age of 35.

well, times have certainly changed. i can't make it any clearer than i am in no position to have children at this time in my life. as you all know, i had a late start with school and will have an even later start in pursuing a lifelong career. not only that, but i can't justify raising a child in an apartment because it's such a temporary living situation (we won't even get another dog until we have a yard). on the other hand, it's so hard for our generation to save up to buy a house these days and that brings me to my other point: this recession. children are such a huge liability and i simply can't afford to raise one right now. am i being too logical about all this?

it's not to say that i don't feel the pressure because at times, i must admit i do, especially when there are friends around you taking that "next step." but at the end of the day, i can't help but think that i am making the right choice. as for marriage... i don't know how i feel about it. z and i have been together for close to 6 years and some can argue that it's like we're practically married anyway, but i've also heard that marriage does change couples, even when you've been cohabiting. i grew up with my mom hopping from one unstable marriage/relationship to another and feel that it might be a good indication as to why i'm skeptical about the concept of marriage, but even today i feel as though married couples don't take their vows seriously enough to stay with one another 'til death does them part - something i take to heart. i used to joke around when someone would ask me why i didn't want to get married by responding, "because i don't want to get a divorce." in part, it's true, but i think the other half of me is honestly content with the way my life is now. is that so bad? because i can't help but to think that society says i'm running out of time, that if i don't take that next step now, the opportunity will pass me by.

i don't know what to say to those people who feel that way because if there's anything i've learned in my life, it's that it is never too late. i live and stand by this statement everyday. i face it and embrace it because it's true. you can never let anyone tell you that your time has passed because the only one who can determine that is you. xoxo.

hello again.

physical anthropology, what a snooze fest. i had no idea how much this class delved into evolution and the study of primates. one of the extra credit opportunities involves going to the san diego zoo and observing a single species of primates for 3 hours. huh? originally i planned on not going, but i might have to reconsider. the class requires so much work in such short time that i might need to make up some extra points. but what can i possibly observe in 3 hours that i can't in 30 minutes? he pooped. he threw poop. she ran. they mated. they slept. they awoke. they swung from trees. they ate. they sat. they...

what threw me off, also, was the fact that my professor is a midget with an obvious inferiority complex that he likes to hide behind his dry and tasteless sense of humor. it's quite intriguing to observe him during his instruction and note the little things he says and does to the students. in the end, it really boils down to is what he truly thinks of himself and how he projects his sense of self onto others. he likes the authority he has over the classroom, but secretly yearns for acceptance and to be liked by us. he's asked us, at least 3 times, if we've looked up him up on ratemyprofessor.com and has followed up the question with, "don't always believe what you hear." i took the liberty of looking him up out of curiosity (and because he kept asking) and interestingly enough, his ratings aren't so bad. maybe it's because deep down, he really is a softie who, like any other man, wants to be cradled like a baby and be reassured that everything will be all right. it's just a matter of getting there and it seems to me that those who spent the time to rate him managed to dig up his sensitive side.

i know it sounds like i hate the guy, but i don't. what i find interesting is his insecurities and how he allows it to interfere with who he is and how he treats others. i see this in myself as well, which is why i find it gripping. i see what he does and can't help but ask myself if i do the same... and i do, to an extent. i just don't want to be my professor's age and treat people like they're worthless just because that's how i think of myself. i'm hoping that by that wise old age, i'll have found the worth in myself. it's so difficult to find the buried treasure if you've spent a lot of your earlier years believing that it didn't exist. it may take a lifetime to find, but i'm searching... and i have to hold on to the hope that my professor, and others like him, will keep searching too.

xoxo.

--

p.s. look what i found. a picture of a primate taken at the san diego zoo when z and i went a few years back for our anniversary. do you think i can pass this on as proof for my extra credit assignment?

p.p.s. would ya look at that tail?!

reinventing.

i start summer school tomorrow. even though it's only one class, i've been dreading it. i have been truly spoiled the past few weeks with my schedule, so the thought of having to put my brain to use again creates a tinge of panic in me.

i know the plan here is for me to grab school by the horns and finally get it over with, but can i be honest? the thought of going back full time is kind of intimidating. it will change the pace of learning that i'm used to and i'm scared that that 4.0 GPA that i've been able to maintain will start to tumble. what really scares me is the writing class i'll need to take in Fall. i've been putting this class off this entire time and now i have to confront it. nothing alarms and frustrates me more than having to write a paper - i yell at it, argue with it, take breaks from it, and yes... i've even cried because of it. the funny thing is that i grew up loving to write. i wrote my first poem at 8 and my first story at 9. it used to be my only way out of the reality in which i lived, but now it's become a stranger and in times, an enemy.

needless to say, i worry about the stress that awaits me and that's my biggest problem. i anticipate way too much and i finally know that i create anxiety for myself. yoga has been helping me to feel the present and to be the present. it forces me to focus on the now and to let go of my need to control... because seriously? i'm worrying about the stress that i don't have now, but will have later - how does that make sense? how does that make life worth living?

i'm working on it.

what have you been working on lately?

oxo.

hi friends, it's been awhile.

i told you i was busier now than i used to be as a full-time grinder, right?

lately i've been feeling very much like a housewife. not to set women back or anything, but i don't see the harm in living this way. albeit i don't have kids, i have never been healthier, less stressed, and more at peace with myself than i have these past few weeks. i only wish that this could have happened sooner.

there are some things that i found happen during the day that i wasn't aware of before, but have now grown accustomed to. first, there is the hispanic cholo kid downstairs. every morning, his little gang of friends come over and they blast westside gangster rap until they are ready to go to "school". i put "school" in quotation marks because they're usually found hiding out somewhere around the complex. i sometimes spot them while i'm walking emi and last week, i even saw one of them getting handcuffed while another was being questioned by the cops. sometimes in the afternoons, they have girls over and play drinking games and alas, dr. dre comes back through the sound system and my windows. i don't really complain because at least it's during the day, when everyone is supposedly at work, and not at home trying to nap, like i am.

i also noticed that we have an impressive variety of birds here. you can usually hear them waking up and singing their hearts out at the break of dawn, but they're still very much at it during the day. today alone i saw a blue jay, a woodpecker, doves, robins, and crows (no surprise because they are always around). i enjoy watching them hunt and peck for food.. but i also like imagining what it would be like to be a bird. i'm so envious of their God given gift of flight, if only i had wings..

i've also come to know the schedule of our mail person, the garbage truck, UPS, the departure and arrival times of our neighbors, and the classes at four local 24 hour fitnesses. and this may sound a bit stalker-esque, but i found out where some of the apartment maintenance guys live - i wonder if they get to live here for free, or at least get some kind of discount? doesn't that, in a way, make them bound to live here for the rest of their lives? yes, these are the kind of things i ask myself these days.

today marks the 1st of June. summer will soon arrive and i'll be sitting in a classroom again. it will also be the first full month of being unemployed and thus, really understanding our budget and finances. it will be the beginning of testing waters and unforeseeable haps. i just hope that everything will work out in the end... and i have all the faith that it will.

hope you are all doing well. xox

done.

Spring semester has ended, which means i now have another year of school under my belt. it also means i will have more free time on my hands. it struck me on the way home from taking my final last night that i will have no real responsibilities for a few weeks. it's quite the opposite of what i'm used to and to be honest, i'm not sure how i feel about it.

the good news is that i'll be able to transfer sooner than i planned and i have time to thank for that. i have made a decision to really put all my focus and effort into school. it's something i've been wishing i could do for a quite sometime now. for those who frequent this blog, you know that i've been struggling with the patience it's taken to finish and now i have the opportunity to do so. summer school is only a few weeks away but if everything goes accordingly, i should be able to apply to schools in the Fall. i'm pretty excited about that.

it's true that things happen for a reason. i can't say it enough - i am so, so thankful for this transition. it has really put things into perspective and has made me reset my priorities to how they should be. it just feels so right.

hope you all are given the opportunity to do what's right for you, however big or small.

xoxo.

in between.

this is who i've been spending most of my time with these days. emi is loving the fact that i'm not working. can't you tell by her smile?

oddly enough, i've been busier than ever. the world is so different during working hours and by different, i mean empty! most of my mornings are spent at the gym. i used to have to fit in my workouts either real early in the morning, or right after work. i still go to my 5:30am kickboxing class on mondays and fridays, but now i can fit in yoga, cycling, or even a swim at our pool. the rest of the day is usually spent taking emi on walks, or running errands and doing house chores. i've also been taking a lot of nice long baths lately, i almost forgot what it felt like to relax in a tub. i've come to believe that every woman deserves a hot bubble bath at least once a week. it's free and a real treat - try it!

i have to admit, being unemployed is probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and while my bank account cries everytime i swipe my debit card, something in me tells me that it's all going to be okay. today i took emi to the park and sat in the shade with her for a good while, listening to the quiet and thinking about life and what to make of it.

i know that this is a transitional period for me. it's a little God given downtime for me to take a step back and breathe. it's something i know i needed, but probably would have never done if not given the opportunity to do so. i am so very, very grateful for every minute of this time because i truly believe that time is the greatest gift that anyone can ever receive and i accept this gift with everything i have.

let's see where this road will lead.

xoxox.

becoming part of the statistic.

my boss came into my office yesterday afternoon with tears in her eyes and downright said, "tina, i have to lay you off."

there was a lot running through my mind when i heard those words. i was shocked at first, i wasn't expecting that at all. don't get me wrong, i knew that business was slow, but i honestly thought i was too valuable to the company to get the boot. obviously i thought wrong and it was definitely a slap in the face because the reality of it is it can happen to anyone. after the initial shock came a mixture of emotions. i was confused, upset, sad, angry... and somewhere in between, a little relieved.

i was surprised to find that jumping right back on the horse and finding another job did not initially come to mind. i had not been without a job for 10 years and i was raised to always be working. but i feel that over the past few years, something in me has changed... and just recently, the feeling has been overpowering. there would be days that i'd sit at my desk and aimlessly stare out the window for 5, maybe 10, minutes at a time, getting lost in my thoughts. i couldn't wait to take a lunch break because it meant i'd be able to get out of the office and know that i hadn't completely wasted my day there. more often than not, i'd ask myself why i was there and think about the million other things i could be doing.

so, maybe.. just maybe, this is a sign. maybe this is God's little push into the right direction because He knows i've not the courage, or faith to do it on my own. maybe it is my angel in disguise secretly urging me to face my crossroads and take the path i was destined for. the next couple of weeks are going to be used for great reflection and meditation. i need to really ask myself what my priorities are and how to accomplish them. most importantly, i need to keep a positive state of mind.. and simply let life take its toll.

i am so blessed that i have the support of my friends and family at this time. i've been receiving lots of kind words and wise advice - you guys are more than any unemployed gal could ever ask for and i won't ever forget it.

xo.

whisper words of wisdom..

i may have had an epiphany last night. i came to realize that i have so much work to do to become the person i want to be. then i began to wonder if we ever really do become the people we want to be, or if we just change the way we think about ourselves. which comes first - the chicken or the egg?

i often times wonder why i am who i am and why i do the things i do (or don't do). i tend to wander off to that part in my brain where memories lay to find the answers and sometimes, almost frighteningly, i find them. the problem i have is figuring out what i can do to reverse the effects of the past. what can i possibly do to change the ways of my childhood? the epiphany i had last night was simply this: i can't.

but it's not that easy. my way of thinking has always been: "if there's a problem, fix it", but the problem here is me and i'm no easy fix. the funny thing is i used to find problems in others until i came to realize that it was me all along. so, what do i do now?

first of all, i know it's going to have to start with changing the way i think, but most importantly, the way i think about myself. i don't know why but this is a real challenge for me, probably because i don't have the patience, not even for myself. the margin for failure is so large and i can't stand the thought of being defeated, or disappointed (my other flaw). there are other traits that make this a real challenge for me, too, but what i really need, i think, is to be patient with myself. everything needs to start with myself in order for me to be that way with others.

i know that at the end of the day, i will never find happiness unless i find happiness in myself first. my fear is that it will never happen. sure, there are moments that i'm happy but i want a kind of happiness that sits in me all the time. i want to know that it's there, even if i can't feel it sometimes. is that possible? or is it like what Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love:

"....people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it."

i don't know, but hopefully i'll find out...

xx.

seeking quietude..

i really struggled with my new years resolution this past weekend. i left work half an hour early on friday and was caught by my boss. i won't get into the details of how i was caught, but it really did put a damper on my weekend. i kept playing monday's confrontation in my head. it didn't help that z was out of town on business so i was left alone with my dreadful thoughts. there were times when i was able to push it out of my head, but it managed to creep through the crevices.

z gave me some great advice before he left: "just come to terms with it in your head and let it go." i tried and tried real hard to do this and even felt i was successful at certain points. for instance, i didn't lose sleep over it, which is a great feat because the minutes before bedtime is usually when my thoughts begin to overwhelm me. but there were moments when i caught myself picturing the disappointment on my boss's face, or even worst - getting fired. it was so stressful that i broke out. the feeling reminded me of when i used to get caught doing something wrong by my mom.

mind over matter. what a concept. the mind has so much power over the body that if it isn't controlled properly, it can do a lot of damage. i grew so frustrated with myself and my thoughts only to realize that i was fueling the fire. i kept myself busy by running errands, going to the gym, and trying out new recipes, and while it provided a temporary escape, i still had to face myself at the end of the day.

i'm finding that i need to really find that quiet corner in my head that i can go to when needed. have any of you tried meditation? i'm thinking of trying it because i need to dig deep. i mean real deep - in my head, my heart, my soul, myself. to be honest, it's something i should have done a long time ago.

xo.

embarrassing moments pt. 2

i just remembered this one out of the blue.

where: school bus
when: 5th grade

what happened?

i was sitting across the aisle from my crush and we were talking. i remember saying something funny (or so i thought) and the confused expression on his face made me laugh. well, i also had a cold so when i laughed, a thing of snot shot out my left nostril. i was so stunned and did the only natural thing i could - sniffed it right back up my nose. my crush and his friend stared at my nose in astonishment as if i just conducted a magic trick. finally the friend said, "hey, you had a booger right there." i said, "noididnt." he then turned to my crush and said, "ey carlos, didn't she have a booger right there?" and carlos said, "hell yea she had a booger right there!"

i was so embarrassed that i turned away instantly and faced the window, almost in tears. what really took me over the edge was when my friend sitting next to me leaned over and whispered in my ear, "hey, um.. you did have a booger right there." i swear i was going to punch her.

a serene state of mind.

one of the many highlights of my weekend were these babies. i went all out and ordered 2 earl greys, 2 cappuccinos, 2 caramels, 2 chocolates, and 2 coconuts (for z, cus i hate coconut-anything). interestingly enough, the earl greys tasted like fruity pebbles and brought back childhood memories. my favorite, though, had to be the chocolate - you just can't get between a girl and her chocolate.

we actually had a lot of good food this past weekend: flamed grilled chicken with stuffed poblano peppers, honey marinated chicken kabobs, good ol' pizza and wings, and of course frequent stops to yogurtland for dessert. my only regret is not having pictures to show you guys (but you can see the kabobs from a previous post here). we tried to balance out all the food intake by joining friends for a hike yesterday at Peter's Canyon. it was such a beautiful day for a hike and the view from up top was pretty amazing. i've been wanting to go hiking for about a year now, so i'm happy that z liked it enough to try and do it more often. if all goes well, expect more posts and pictures of trails and nature!

now the clocks get set back to the 9-5 grind. i have a test in both classes this week so it's going to be a tough one.. but you know what? i'm feeling kind of good. i don't know if it's because of the great weekend i just had, or if the universe is just smiling on me today but something in me says that nothing can stand in the way of me and my sense of serenity and it's a great feeling to have.

how's your state of mind this monday?

xoxox.

when you come.

When you come to me, unbidden,
Beckoning me
To long-ago rooms,
Where memories lie.

Offering me, as to a child, an attic,
Gatherings of days too few.
Baubles of stolen kisses.
Trinkets of borrowed loves.
Trunks of secret words,

I CRY.

-maya angelou

*reading poetry in the backseat of my car at lunch while it rains - one of my most cherished and sacred moments.

thoughts and prayers.

i went to sleep feeling guilty last night. to think that i was safe and had a bed to sleep in while the people in Japan were being swept by the tsunami.... didn't seem right. when i woke up and still saw that i had everything i had the day before and that for us, life would go on as normal, i felt compelled to pray. i prayed for the people in Japan, i prayed for the safety of those in Hawaii and surrounding islands, and i prayed a thanks for all that i have.

let's continue sending prayers and thoughts this weekend.

"the key to change.. is to let go of fear."

after the long big bear weekend, all i wanted to do this past weekend was relax. i didn't want to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. surprisingly, i didn't have a lot of school work to catch up on so my wish for a do-nothing weekend was granted. z cooked breakfast saturday morning and we spent the rest of the day being lazy. a couple of friends joined us later in the evening to watch the fights but it still proved to be a worry-free day, especially since we ordered out and i didn't have to cook.

after running errands on sunday, we decided to take emi on a nice long walk - she had been dropping hints all weekend. the walk felt good, it was nice to clear my head and have a genuine, uninterrupted conversation with z. not to mention it was the perfect day - clear and sunny with a slight chill in the air and you could see the snow-capped saddleback mountains.

our lease is up in july and we're leaning towards moving. after being here for 3 years, the complex isn't what it used to be and we really want to settle in an area where we can begin our future. ideally we would love to buy some property and do away with renting, but it doesn't seem like something we can commit to right now (financially and emotionally). z mentioned a rent-to-buy option, but i'm not too familiar with the details that surround it, have any of you tried it? all i know is that our walk yesterday made me appreciate the area we're in now. a real estate broker once told me that of all the places he's lived, the best place to live is in orange county and that the best place to live in orange county is south orange county. i can see why.

the next few years will definitely be challenging and will prove to be one of the biggest turning points in my life. i'll be forced to make some serious decisions about school, work, housing, and myself. remember that new years resolution i made about letting go of the things i can't control? it's been tough, but i've been practicing it a lot. hopefully by the time all these changes consume me, i'll be a pro and instead of being overwhelmed, i'll be able to surrender myself to it. easier said than done? you bet'cha.

xoxo

let it snow.

here are more of the many, many pictures i had taken. photos seriously do not do the snow any justice - it's so majestic when you're in its presence. i used to be jealous of summer babies because unlike february, which its known for its rainy days, they have the ideal weather for beach parties, pool parties, or even a backyard bbq party. i always wanted to have a birthday party on the beach, celebrating around a bonfire and singing happy drunken tunes. but now that i've experienced a birthday in the snow, i've grown an appreciation for my winter birth. it brought back fond memories of my early childhood days in korea and of my grandmother who used to layer me in winter clothes until i could barely move my limbs. i'm looking forward to celebrating many more white birthdays.

xoxo

move over, valentines. it's my birthday.

throughout my birthday years, people have always commented what a lucky girl i was for being a "valentines baby". my friends and family would tease my boyfriends-to-be and say how he would have his hands full. as a result, i vowed that i would never make my boyfriend celebrate valentines day and i've held true to my promise. to this day, z and i have not celebrated valentines day and for the past couple of years, z has begun to hate the "holiday" because he can never make reservations, or take me out because of all the lovebirds who are out to express their love for one night. (funny side note: z was actually conceived on valentines day! his birthday is exactly 9 months and 1 day after mine.)

i don't hate valentines day for reasons that people with holiday birthdays hate it because unlike their birthdays that get overlooked, i have experienced the contrary: people always remember my birthday b/c it's on valentines. instead, i hate it for reasons singles hate it. i hate it for reasons that people who can't afford buying flowers, chocolates, and teddy bears for their lovers hate it. i hate it for the same reason why people who love and give everyday to the people they love hate it. and in spite of valentines day being a great way to help this disastrous economy, i hate that companies out there are making massive amounts of money on a day that should be representing anything but that. i hate that at this very moment, someone out there is feeling miserably lonely and sad because they have no one to share their love with on this day.

maybe later on in my life the hatred i have for this hallmark holiday will go away, who knows?

but today, i am being so overwhelmed with love and not because it's valentines day, but because it's my birthday. the day i was born. people are loving me because i came into this world and they are happy to acknowledge that i am here: breathing and smiling and being me. that makes me happier than any box of chocolates can.

here i am, world. 27 years young. happy birthday to me.

xoxox

spending time fighting time.

my birthday is around the corner and i can't believe i'll be 27. the number seems so big that i'm worried i won't be able to carry it around for a year. the rapid pace of time never ceases to amaze me and at the same time, terrify me. where did i imagine i'd be at the age of 27 ten years ago? surely i'd have a career by now and possibly married. did i even think of marriage? i knew i never wanted to have kids but did i really believe that?

studies have shown that people are starting to prolong life's defining events: careers, marriage, families, retirement, and even death comes to us much later now. even so, i can't help but sometimes feel i'm running behind on life. more often than not, i forget how old i actually am and when i remember, there's a tinge of panic. will i really be 30 and still not have my college degree? don't they say that having children past the age of 30 increases the health risks of newborns? won't it be embarrassing to intern with 23 year olds when i'm 33? these are the kind of thoughts and questions that occupy my mind when i realize that time has no mercy. it's not everyday or often, but they do come to mind, especially around my birthday when i reflect on years spent.

this year i wanted to spend quality time with those dearest to my heart. i'm excited for the small upcoming birthday celebrations - dinner and drinks with my girlfriends tomorrow, huntington library with z and a couple of friends next week, and an intimate dinner on my actual birthday. how truly blessed am i? when it comes to things like these, who wants argue with time? how can i be surrounded by so much love and joy only to dwell on times passing? the answer is i can't. and i shouldn't. and i won't.

i'm doing what i can with the time given to me. i am making memories and placing them carefully in my heart. i am loving and being love. i am taking down the rearview mirror and focusing on the road ahead. i am alive and living and learning. and really, that is all i can do.

happy early bday to me.

xoxox