will i am.

This past semester was officially the most difficult yet. Not only did I have to meet transfer deadlines, but I also came across one of the toughest teachers (don't believe me? Check out his rating: ratemyprofessors) in one of my most challenging courses: writing. Many of my friends find it surprising when I tell them how difficult writing is for me, but clearly there is a difference between writing in a journal and writing for academia. Friends - this may sound silly, but do you have any idea how sad I was to know that my straight A streak would be over? After receiving B's on my first two papers, my heart sunk. I felt very defeated. But still, I took every advantage I could to seek help from my professor, the writing center, and that writer of a boyfriend of mine. I spent many days in hiding, working my eyes and fingers to the core to give everything I had in the 20 page paper that was the final. When I turned it in last week, a feeling of relief overcame me and as the days went on, I became more accepting of that inevitable "B". I kept telling myself, "You can't win 'em all."

Last night came the moment of truth when I received an e-mail telling me that my grade had been posted. I took a deep breath, sat at my computer, and logged in... cautiously clicking my way through the site to check my grade. I could hardly believe it. In fact, I think I blinked a few times. But yes, there it was... an A in Writing 2. I could feel a smile slowly starting to form on my face. Finally, a feeling of joy and excitement came over me as I ran into z's arms. I looked up at his confused expression and couldn't help but smile bigger. I told him the good news. He smiled back, congratulated me, telling me he had faith the whole time. 

My streak continues on. It is an accomplishment that I am so proud of because it's a testament of my will. In one of my personal statements to the university, I talked about this (by the way, the UC rep who read a draft of my personal statements was so impressed that she asked if she could make copies of it as examples!). About my will power and how it has grown stronger since that day I quit smoking cigarettes. Since then, I have gone back to school and despite my past of  habitually dropping out, I've continued going while maintaining a 4.0 GPA. For the past 9 months, I have gone to the gym everyday (with a few exceptions) to better my health and managed to lose 25-30 pounds in the process. All the while, I am continuing to learn more about who I am and what I am capable of. Yes, it can get very frustrating along the way and there are times when I feel like taking the easier route, but reality hits me and I know that life has no shortcuts. I have come a long way and still have a ways to go... but 2011 has been a good year. If things work out accordingly [more on that later], I am hoping to have an even better new year. Please cross your fingers for me. 

to write or die.

against my better judgment, i enrolled in writing 2, which is, you know, what comes after writing 1. i took writing 1 back in 2003 and received a C. actually, i was surprised to see that i had received quite a few C's and even a couple of F's when i received my transcripts from both cypress and CSULB. i didn't recall being that bad of a student and even secretly praised myself thinking i had nothing but A's and B's. i guess you can say i was overconfident, if not delusional.

i considered retaking writing 1 but after consulting with a counselor who urged me to move on and not waste my time retaking a course i didn't do well in, i decided to take my chances. after we discussed the syllabus in my writing 2 class today, the teacher handed out a diagnostic test that will be used to evaluate our individual writing levels. a few things i noticed while i attempted this: i have a hard time transitioning, i write "however" way more than i should, and i probably should have retaken writing 1. as my luck should have it, it's too late for me to retake it now because the universities i will be applying to require that i have both writing 1 and writing 2 completed by the end of this semester.

with that said, you can expect that i'll be spending countless hours working on my writing skills. i'll be damned if i allow this class to mess up all that i've worked hard for up to this point. because i'm unemployed now, i have no excuse... so, here i go. wish me luck.

xo

4.0

the crazy thing is i had no motivation going into the final for this class. i received a "C" on the midterm and realized halfway through the summer session that i didn't even need the class to begin with. by then, it was already too late to drop out without getting the dreaded "W" on my transcript. i was pretty upset with myself for wasting such precious time, but whatever. i aced it and i now see it as another testimony of things happening for a reason. it's this kind of faith that i'll need for the upcoming year because believe or not folks, the time has come. i'll be applying for universities in November and this will officially be my last school year on a community campus. hallelujah.

hello again.

physical anthropology, what a snooze fest. i had no idea how much this class delved into evolution and the study of primates. one of the extra credit opportunities involves going to the san diego zoo and observing a single species of primates for 3 hours. huh? originally i planned on not going, but i might have to reconsider. the class requires so much work in such short time that i might need to make up some extra points. but what can i possibly observe in 3 hours that i can't in 30 minutes? he pooped. he threw poop. she ran. they mated. they slept. they awoke. they swung from trees. they ate. they sat. they...

what threw me off, also, was the fact that my professor is a midget with an obvious inferiority complex that he likes to hide behind his dry and tasteless sense of humor. it's quite intriguing to observe him during his instruction and note the little things he says and does to the students. in the end, it really boils down to is what he truly thinks of himself and how he projects his sense of self onto others. he likes the authority he has over the classroom, but secretly yearns for acceptance and to be liked by us. he's asked us, at least 3 times, if we've looked up him up on ratemyprofessor.com and has followed up the question with, "don't always believe what you hear." i took the liberty of looking him up out of curiosity (and because he kept asking) and interestingly enough, his ratings aren't so bad. maybe it's because deep down, he really is a softie who, like any other man, wants to be cradled like a baby and be reassured that everything will be all right. it's just a matter of getting there and it seems to me that those who spent the time to rate him managed to dig up his sensitive side.

i know it sounds like i hate the guy, but i don't. what i find interesting is his insecurities and how he allows it to interfere with who he is and how he treats others. i see this in myself as well, which is why i find it gripping. i see what he does and can't help but ask myself if i do the same... and i do, to an extent. i just don't want to be my professor's age and treat people like they're worthless just because that's how i think of myself. i'm hoping that by that wise old age, i'll have found the worth in myself. it's so difficult to find the buried treasure if you've spent a lot of your earlier years believing that it didn't exist. it may take a lifetime to find, but i'm searching... and i have to hold on to the hope that my professor, and others like him, will keep searching too.

xoxo.

--

p.s. look what i found. a picture of a primate taken at the san diego zoo when z and i went a few years back for our anniversary. do you think i can pass this on as proof for my extra credit assignment?

p.p.s. would ya look at that tail?!

reinventing.

i start summer school tomorrow. even though it's only one class, i've been dreading it. i have been truly spoiled the past few weeks with my schedule, so the thought of having to put my brain to use again creates a tinge of panic in me.

i know the plan here is for me to grab school by the horns and finally get it over with, but can i be honest? the thought of going back full time is kind of intimidating. it will change the pace of learning that i'm used to and i'm scared that that 4.0 GPA that i've been able to maintain will start to tumble. what really scares me is the writing class i'll need to take in Fall. i've been putting this class off this entire time and now i have to confront it. nothing alarms and frustrates me more than having to write a paper - i yell at it, argue with it, take breaks from it, and yes... i've even cried because of it. the funny thing is that i grew up loving to write. i wrote my first poem at 8 and my first story at 9. it used to be my only way out of the reality in which i lived, but now it's become a stranger and in times, an enemy.

needless to say, i worry about the stress that awaits me and that's my biggest problem. i anticipate way too much and i finally know that i create anxiety for myself. yoga has been helping me to feel the present and to be the present. it forces me to focus on the now and to let go of my need to control... because seriously? i'm worrying about the stress that i don't have now, but will have later - how does that make sense? how does that make life worth living?

i'm working on it.

what have you been working on lately?

oxo.

done.

Spring semester has ended, which means i now have another year of school under my belt. it also means i will have more free time on my hands. it struck me on the way home from taking my final last night that i will have no real responsibilities for a few weeks. it's quite the opposite of what i'm used to and to be honest, i'm not sure how i feel about it.

the good news is that i'll be able to transfer sooner than i planned and i have time to thank for that. i have made a decision to really put all my focus and effort into school. it's something i've been wishing i could do for a quite sometime now. for those who frequent this blog, you know that i've been struggling with the patience it's taken to finish and now i have the opportunity to do so. summer school is only a few weeks away but if everything goes accordingly, i should be able to apply to schools in the Fall. i'm pretty excited about that.

it's true that things happen for a reason. i can't say it enough - i am so, so thankful for this transition. it has really put things into perspective and has made me reset my priorities to how they should be. it just feels so right.

hope you all are given the opportunity to do what's right for you, however big or small.

xoxo.

spring came with rain.

the rain has made its way back to us; emi didn't even go potty last night. we tried waiting until the rain died down but it never did, so emi just stood out there getting drenched until z got the point. i hear the rain is staying with us for the rest of the week, spring is definitely making its arrival known and i guess this means i shouldn't pack away my winter/fall wardrobe just yet.

the weekend was pretty uneventful. we made it a point to avoid the rain and crazy drivers by enjoying the gloom behind closed doors. we snuck in a cat nap saturday afternoon and cuddled in most of sunday. we watched movies, ate good food, drank a few margaritas, and stayed tucked under warm blankets. i know emi is especially happy when we stay in like that. i caught up on some school work but i'm still mentally unprepared to go back to school this week. i still can't believe i'm already mid-way through the semester, i'm usually under a lot of pressure and freaking out over midterms by this time, but i'm sure it's lurking around the corner somewhere, just waiting to knock me off my feet. what's that saying again? hope for the best, but expect the worse? yeah.

hope you all enjoyed your weekend.

xo

old soul.

we were assigned our discussion groups in my sociology class tuesday night. in my group is a 37 year old mother who, like me, has decided to go back to school. after introducing ourselves, she immediately turned to me with dread in her eyes and confessed that this was all too overwhelming for her and that she could not register any of the class material. i assured her that it was only the 2nd week and that she was overthinking it. she didn't seem too convinced. when the class was over, i put my hand on her back and said, "don't fret, ok? i'm here if you need help." she thanked me and asked my age. i told her. she said, "you've got an old soul, you know that?"

i'm guessing i knew because i felt my old soul smile at the recognition.

damper

classes are back in session. it was such a short break, i feel robbed. last week i kept thinking, "really? do i reallllly start school again so soon?" sigh.

on a brighter note, my birthday is a month away. the last couple of birthdays have been spent in the city that steals my heart everytime - San Francisco, but this year my heart is longing to make angels in the snow and where the heart will go, the body will follow. i'm very intent on seeing snow, even if i have to go alone. my boss has been nice enough to open her cozy cabin to us and i am beyond thankful. i can honestly say that i have not touched snow for nearly 10 years. i'm already thinking up names for my snow angels and snowman (for some reason, i really like Ted!). and emi! oh, emi... we're so excited to see your reaction to snow, we can't help but smile at the thought of you in your little snow jacket and the confused expression on your face when you see that your paws are sinking into the white fluff.

between school starting and this flu that i'm fighting, my spirits have been down, but thoughts of big bear bring light at the end of the tunnel.

wish me luck on my first week back to school. i have a feeling it's going to be a long, long week but i still can't help but ask, is it the weekend yet?

xoxox

is thinking an addiction?

i spent the first few days of my winter break enjoying the absolute nothingness of my time. lately, however, i can't seem to stop not doing something. z's dad gave me 2 jigsaw puzzles for christmas and i already finished one. i finished a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle in 2 1/2 days. my favorite christmas gift is the amazon kindle, given to me by none other than z, who is responsible for nearly any and every electronic item i own. thanks to the kindle, i now know that i am 38% through my first kindle book (also z's doing), Eat, Pray, Love. i can't seem to put it down and my brain is absorbing it like a sponge. i'm finding that i constantly need to keep my mind active, whether it's doing a puzzle, reading, or simply thinking and applying things i've learned this past semester.

an example: our friend came over the other night and was wearing a beanie that had the words "NEW MONEY" boldly stitched on one side. i stared at those words and thought about my sociology class. i had just learned what new money vs old money was this past semester and i was freakishly excited to see the words "new money" outside of a classroom or textbook. i didn't want to ask our friend if he knew what the term on his beanie meant, partly because he probably did and partly because i didn't want to bore him with my newfound sociological knowledge. but man, my mind wouldn't stop moving. it started to take a toll of its own and i'm wondering if it's because it needs new wrinkles and cells, almost like how someone needs a cigarette.

i do know that i never want to stop learning. the fact that i'm doing it at my own pace now only encourages my urge to continue my education all the more. why not? what do i have to lose? it's what has motivated me to go for my masters, but most of all, it has pushed me through every semester and every class and no, my mind won't settle on getting B's, it wants A's. it wants to prove to the world that it has learned to its full capacity. Lord knows i've neglected it and have taken it for granted in the past, but i'm so proud of my little brain and i'm happy to congratulate it on another straight A semester. we did it, brain!

xxoxo

the final stretch.

busy, busy, busy. finals are next week and you can bet i'm stressed like no other and i have the pimples to prove it. this semester taught me a valuable lesson - don't take on more than you can handle! i really thought i could take on the challenge of an additional class and maintaining a 4.0, but i'm faced with the possibility of getting my first B this semester. the horror. the only upside is that one of finals is a take-home, which is a huge relief and caused me to rejoice the minute it was announced. thank you, God. i've registered for next semester and with a lesson learned, am taking only 2 classes. they're both upper level courses but i feel confident after all i've been through this past semester.

z is happy to know that i'll be going back to taking 2 classes. it's funny because one summer, he couldn't wait until i went back to school but when i am in school, he misses our evenings together. tsk tsk. oh! i forgot to mention that our anniversary celebration over the weekend was so wonderful. thank you all for the support and the loving words you shared with us. i took him out for a special brunch sunday morning, after we exchanged gifts. i made him a thoughtful photobook (thanks to kodak) and he gave me a special necklace with a pretty dragonfly pendant, which i've worn every day since, and a beautiful diamond heart pendant, which i wore that night for our traditional anniversary dinner at Javier's in Crystal Cove. i've always wanted a simple white gold chain that i could wear everyday, so i was very touched that he remembered :) the past 5 years has been such a growing experience for me and i'm so blessed to have someone like z to be there to help and support me in becoming the woman i am today. it means so much.

okay, enough with the sappiness! hehe. i'm looking forward to finals being over and having 3 weeks to enjoy the holidays and life in general. how nice will it be to get off work and enjoy a glass of wine, while cooking dinner? i can't wait for cozy, relaxing evenings at home with my two favorite stink monsters. it really can't come soon enough....


xoxoox

not to brag..

.. but i can't help but look at this when i'm feeling down and out. it sky rockets my spirit and motivates me to continue the fight.

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."

z came rushing into the apartment this morning, urging me to come downstairs to meet our little visitor. i followed him to the hedges and there sat this beautiful creature. we stared at it in awe for a few seconds, then i quietly snuck away to get my camera. what a nice gift from God this sunday morning.

speaking of sundays, mine evolve around house chores, studying/reading/homework, and grocery shopping for the week. today is no exception. in fact, my school work appears to be overwhelming already as i sit at my desk stacked with binders and ridiculous amounts of reading material. but however overpowered i may feel, i believe the butterfly came to remind me that in the end of all this change and hard work, something beautiful will come out of it. just like a butterfly.

frazzled friday.

i always arrive on campus early. i end work at 5:30 and in all my 2 years at IVC, my classes have started at 7. usually when i get to school, i eat my dinner (likely a sandwich) and catch up on some reading or homework. last night i had to purchase a few supplies at the bookstore and pick up some handouts from the admissions office so i did that before heading to class.

when i got to class at 6:30, i opened the door only to find a room full of students with class in session. i figured it was the class before mine so i waited outside until they were done. as time progressed, i noticed that i was the only one waiting outside of the classroom and that no one made the mistake i did by trying to go inside. by 6:54 i started freaking out because no one was filing out and again -- why was i the only one out here?!

panicked, i cracked the door open again and whispered to a student sitting nearby, "hey, is this psych 2?", to which he responded with a nod. CRAP! apparently class started at 6.

just then, the professor called for a break and i immediately rushed in to speak to him. he handed me the syllabus and even though he reassured me that i didn't miss much that first hour, i felt so ruffled.

i hated that i wasn't there when he went over the syllabus because as i studied it while the other students went on break, i felt like i was looking at a syllabus for the first time in my life. it may seem silly but you have to understand that i am the type of student who is always the first to arrive, pick the first seat (that i keep for the remainder of the semester), and who is always, always prepared. with that said, you can imagine how unsettling it felt to show up an hour late, settle for a seat way off to the side where i can't see a damn thing on the projector screen, and not be prepared with pencil in hand, eagar to begin class.

also, it doesn't help that this is the most important class i've taken thus far. it's an upper division psych class that will require a new approach of learning that i'm not accustomed to. it's intimidating and with everything that went on last night, i felt so threatened. but i'm hoping for a better next week - when i'll be the first one there, stealing a seat in the front of the class where i always sit. i'll be prepared, bright eyed and bushy tailed. and hopefully things will feel normal. and hopefully i'll be able to overcome the challange of this class.

.. and maybe, i'll admit, i overreacted a little. =)

on a different note, it's friday and i hope you all have an amazing weekend, xxxxoo

about my professor.

something random about my health professor: he was in the marine corps for 4 years (served in vietnam for 2) and a ballet dancer for 8.

“A perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main problem.” - Albert Einstein

i'm at a crossroads with my career path. which direction to go? or do i dare attempt both roads? simply, should i double major or not?

the clock is ticking and this year, i really need to decide whether i want to stick to my major or change it. i'm leaning more towards the latter. sociology feels natural to me, but i like where human development will take me as far as a career goes. i'm already impatient with the time it's taking to complete one major, how will i live through TWO?

if i can manage to gather every ounce of motivation and faith in me, i would double major and then pursue my masters in the major i prefer most. what saddens me about this is that i won't be able to take classes just to take them, which in turn means i wouldn't be able to enjoy them as much.

making such a detrimental life decision has become somewhat frustrating because i don't know what to do. i - just - don't - know. i'm hoping that the answer will dawn on me this semester and that by the time this school year ends, i'll have a better idea of where to go. and i hope i can muster up the courage it will take to execute my final decision, whatever it may be.

my experience with traveling

i'm proud to say that i've cured my traveling blues.. for now. i look forward to visiting more places but something about settling back into my old routine at home is comforting. i'm so grateful that i didn't experience the horror i often hear about from other travelers - lost luggage, delayed flights, stolen valuables, etc., especially since i was doing this all on my own. the only problem i did encounter was the seating arrangements. for some reason, my seat was changed for the last 2 flights and i was stuck in the middle, both times, which is an uncomfortable place to be when you plan on squeezing in some sleep.

i was stuck between two businessmen the first time. they both had laptops and bad breath, so no matter which way i turned, i got a whiff of it. the guy to my right was especially annoying because he was figgedy and could not settle in his seat. he also kept flipping through his notepad, in my direction (since his laptop was in the way), causing an irritating blow of air to my face. both men claimed the arm rests so i had to remain cross-armed the entire 5 hour flight to Seattle. it was the most uncomfortable i had been on a plane.

the second time wasn't too bad except the guy to my left was on the heavy side so physical contact could not be avoided. and again, i couldn't sleep much because there was nothing to rest my head on and i finally gave up, not wanting to risk waking up on either man's shoulder - how embarassing would that be?

i always made sure i had water, juice, and coffee in hand/purse. water and coffee are a given but the juice was to make sure i was getting my dose of vitamin c. words can't describe how much i hate being sick and who knows what kind of germs are in tow when traveling?

it's monday and i'm back at work (physically). fall semester also starts today so it's going to be a long day. i don't know if i've mentioned this already but i signed up for 3 classes this semester instead of the usual 2. partly because i'm getting impatient and partly because i want to test myself to see if i can do it and still maintain my 4.0 GPA. wish me luck because i just might need it.

yawn.

xo

p.s. i'll continue to post more random pictures of the trip in upcoming posts.

lunchtime and life choices.

there are a number of things i do during my lunch hour when i don't have emi duty. one of them is parking my car in the shade and either taking a nice little nap or reading a good book. i wasn't tired enough to take a nap so i opted for the latter. unfortunately i didn't anticipate reading today so i didn't have a good book in my car, but i did have my sociology book that i purchased yesterday for the upcoming fall semester. so, for the lack of having anything better to do, i picked up the text and surprisingly found myself intrigued by it. so much so that i began rethinking my major. i've always considered sociology - maybe this course will give me a better idea of what to expect. it also got me to thinking about life and the philosopher i'm studying - Jean-Paul Sartre - who believes that we are "condemned to be free" - meaning that being free to make choices in our lives is actually overwhelming and burdensome, rather than a privilege. that's how i feel sometimes... can i just please have some kind of sign?!

anyway. the second pic is what i had for lunch - a grilled tomato, swiss cheese, ham, and avocado sandwich on wheat. it was very delicious as you can imagine :)

about my professor.

something random about my philosophy professor: he always (and i mean always) talks about "big, fat blunts" (i.e. "imagine that you just smoked a big, fat blunt....")

... and yes, that picture is of an actual quiz.

helpful college tip

i've been frantic the past couple of days. i didn't know that registration for the fall semester had already opened until a girl in my philosophy class told me on monday that she had registered 2 weeks ago! i immediately went online and surely enough, registration had been open for nearly 3 weeks.

i've been so good at registering early and being so well prepared that when i found this out, it was all i thought about the entire class period. not only did i have to register for classes but i also had to complete my FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) to get my fee waiver. after class, i raced home and immediately filled out the FAFSA. i called the financial aid office at my school this morning to see if they received my application and they hadn't.. in fact, they told me it would take 2-3 weeks for them to receive and process. can you imagine the horror on my face? fall semester begins in 3 weeks!! classes fill up quickly and in 3 weeks time, i'm sure they were going to be completely full and i didn't want to be one of those procrastinating students who showed up on the DAY OF class to petition.. (i actually give those people the stink eye every semester).

sensing my panic, the calm guy on the other line gave me other options to help expedite the process. i quickly dropped everything, printed out the necessary documents, told the receptionist that i was going to lunch and booked it to school. to my relief, there were no other students in the financial aid office so i was in and out, just like that. i started to breathe easy, all was right with the world then. hehe

once i got back to the office, i began registering for classes right away. of course the ones i planned on taking were full but i still managed to get the classes i needed. as planned, i'm taking 3 classes next semester, instead of 2.. but i'm worried about the toll it will take on me. i really hope this doesn't effect my GPA and that i'm able to handle it all. wish me luck :)

p.s. the helpful tip, if you couldn't already tell, is to save yourself the stress and keep yourself updated on deadlines and registration dates!